The things people say

So I haven't talked about my losses really on this blog. After dealing with unexplained infertility for years I got pg with IVF #2 with twins, but lost them at 19 weeks, IVF #3 I got pg again, but had an early loss. My most recent pregnancy we got pg naturally, but I had an ectopic and had to have lifesaving emergency surgery. What brought me to talk about my losses tonight was a hurtful comment I saw made by someone who has dealt with loss in the past. It seems once people get their take home baby (babies) after a loss (losses) they forget how painful certain comments are.

Here are some things not to say to someone who has had a loss:

"It was God's will." or "God's plan" - I don't know about you, but I don't believe god wanted me to lose 4 babies, but drug addicts, child abusers, etc have healthy children

"It was meant to be" or "it was for the best." Would you say this to someone who lost a parent? Probably not, so why does this suddenly become acceptable to say this to someone who lost a baby?

"Your baby is in a better place now." I like to think the best place would be with me, a caring parent who loves them.

"Time heals all wounds."

"I know just how you feel." (Unless you have personally experienced the loss of a baby.)

"It's been ___ amount of time and aren't you over it yet? It's time to get on with your life."

"At least you have other children" or "At least you can have other children." If a friend lost a grandparent, do you tell them at least you have other grandparents?

"Now you will have an angel in heaven."

"It could have been worse..." It could not have been worse. Not to the grieving parent.

Now here are some things to say or do:

• Saying I'm sorry for your loss and giving a hug really go a long way in showing support
• Keep checking on your friend, especially on her due date which will be very tough
• Understand that sometimes a grieving person may want to be alone
• Talk about the baby by his or her name
• Offer to help with cooking, housework, etc
• Send a card and let the family know you are thinking of them
• Understand that just because your friend or family member cries when you mention her baby it doesn't mean she doesn't want to talk about the baby.