Thursday, January 12, 2012

The things people say

So I haven't talked about my losses really on this blog. After dealing with unexplained infertility for years I got pg with IVF #2 with twins, but lost them at 19 weeks, IVF #3 I got pg again, but had an early loss. My most recent pregnancy we got pg naturally, but I had an ectopic and had to have lifesaving emergency surgery. What brought me to talk about my losses tonight was a hurtful comment I saw made by someone who has dealt with loss in the past. It seems once people get their take home baby (babies) after a loss (losses) they forget how painful certain comments are.

Here are some things not to say to someone who has had a loss:

  • "It was God's will." or "God's plan" - I don't know about you, but I don't believe god wanted me to lose 4 babies, but drug addicts, child abusers, etc have healthy children

  • "It was meant to be" or "it was for the best." Would you say this to someone who lost a parent? Probably not, so why does this suddenly become acceptable to say this to someone who lost a baby?

  • "Your baby is in a better place now." I like to think the best place would be with me, a caring parent who loves them.

  • "Time heals all wounds."

  • "I know just how you feel." (Unless you have personally experienced the loss of a baby.)

  • "It's been ___ amount of time and aren't you over it yet? It's time to get on with your life."

  • "At least you have other children" or "At least you can have other children." If a friend lost a grandparent, do you tell them at least you have other grandparents?

  • "Now you will have an angel in heaven."

  • "It could have been worse..." It could not have been worse. Not to the grieving parent.

  • Now here are some things to say or do:
    • Saying I'm sorry for your loss and giving a hug really go a long way in showing support
    • Keep checking on your friend, especially on her due date which will be very tough
    • Understand that sometimes a grieving person may want to be alone
    • Talk about the baby by his or her name
    • Offer to help with cooking, housework, etc
    • Send a card and let the family know you are thinking of them
    • Understand that just because your friend or family member cries when you mention her baby it doesn't mean she doesn't want to talk about the baby.

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